Content note: ex-gay stuff, suicidal tendencies.
High school graduation week, 1993. Rounds of parties, fittings for gowns, etc. I had finally realized I was a lesbian, and told a couple of friends. One of them said she had a gift for me. A book that I probably shouldn’t show anyone else right now. I unwrapped it. It was a book about how people had quit being gay with help from the Lord. She hugged me and we both cried. I smuggled the book upstairs and hid it under my pillow.
I don’t remember much about it, but it had a green cover. And when I finally got up the courage to read it, I was HORRIFIED. There were about 20 stories in it, with different ages, races, and “both genders”. The gist of every story was that they had come out, had bad experiences in the gay community, become suicidal, and didn’t know what to do. Then they talked to a pastor, and went through some sort of ex-gay program. They were still suicidal, but they were suicidal for Jesus, so it was okay.
This was obviously before the ex-gay movement realized they needed marketing.
That night, I knew I’d made my decision. I knelt down in prayer and told Jesus I was sorry, but I’d rather die than live like these people. That even if being gay meant he threw me away to hell, it seemed like a better choice. I felt peaceful about being gay for the first time in months and went to sleep.
I started college that fall, and came out about six months later. Despite backlash, I was able to hold onto my faith. I got hold of a copy of Rev Troy Perry’s book “Don’t Be Afraid Anymore”, and learned about the existence of Metropolitan Community Church. An entire denomination created by LGBT people for us. I slowly realized that God wasn’t going to throw me away. I wasn’t trash. I was just gay.
A few years ago, I found that little ex-gay book on Amazon. To my surprise, it had a bunch of five star ratings! How? It was horrible, and terribly written. I scrolled down to the reviews out of curiosity and burst into laughter. They mirrored my experience exactly.
“I thought I was gay and was scared. My (pastor, friend, family member) gave me this book. I was horrified! It helped me decide to come out. I love my life now, and owe it to this horrible little book.” Some reviews went into more detail, but that was the general outline.
Looks like I wasn’t the only one whose life was saved by this terrible, trashy, little ex-gay book. Let’s hear it for bad marketing and 90’s scare tactics I guess?
If you’re struggling to reconcile your faith, sexuality and/or gender identity, you’re not alone. A lot of people have and still do. But God created you in detail (Psalm 139:13-16) and knows who you are. And who you are meant to be. God also isn’t in the business of judging you (John 3:17). Salvation is an ongoing rescue mission and transformation of humanity, not a murderous attempt to apologize to God for our existence.
One chapter in the Bible you may find comfort in is Isaiah 56. God’s deepest desire is to have a house of prayer where EVERYONE is welcome. That means you.
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